Hmmm… I’m still not sure whether I should go ahead with this entry or not. Hmm… Let me think first.
Okay, thinking done.
I ate some of the things in my list of forbidden munchies today. (and yesterday) The guilt was so brutal that I was thisclose to considering force-puking it all out. Before you judge me, hear me out first.
This is the first time I’ve ever been insanely strict about following a diet. Past efforts included one rice meal a day, which turned into two rice meals which turned into oh, well whaddaya know, I’m back where I started from! I never really pushed through with a diet for more than 4 days before so that’s why when I gave in, it was such a big deal for me. I know what you would say though.
“You can always make up for it in the next few days”
“Go hardcore fasting the next day”
“One day of eating fries wouldn’t matter”
“You’re stupid.”
The funny frustrating thing is, I know how stupid willfully puking out everything you just ate but I simply can’t help it. Just looking back and thinking that I actually ate fries and cheesy potato something-somethings made my stomach go crazy. My mind I swear, wasn’t functioning properly anymore. I was dead set on puking everything out. If it weren’t for the boyfriend who slapped me silly and knocked some sense into me I’d probably be having an interesting conversation with the toilet right now.
The thought is just scary. Really. Scary that I can be so stupid as to end up enslaved by my weight issues and scary that I was actually about to have my first real taste of the symptoms of an eating disorder. Also, please cut me some slack. I was going crazy right there because of frustration. I was doing quite well with my weight loss / diet plan. Actually, I was doing way better than I thought I would THEN I had to ruin it all in one day. I felt like I cheated myself and disqualified myself from an important competition.
Anyway, no, I’m not bulimic. I found a way, or rather, I came to terms with what I did and how to make up for it and came up with something to sort of punish me for that momentary lapse of judgment so I can move on without going insane.
Okay! Dusting my knees now!
P.S. to the boyfriend,
Thank you.
touch it?
